I eat when I’m hungry.
For years, this has been my explanation for why I would only eat one meal a day. I have 3 kids, two dogs, and a full-time school workload. To me, it seemed perfectly normal to forget to eat every once in a while (although this happens daily).
My mom had an eating disorder, so surely I know the signs of that. I know I don’t need to lose weight, and I don’t think I’m fat, so surely that isn’t the case with me…or is it?
Many are under the impression that eating disorders happen because people want to lose weight. While at the surface, this is true, the underlying cause is usually control. When we feel as though everything around us is out of control, the one thing we can control is if we eat.
There have been times where I felt empowered by not eating. I’d be hungry and hurting inside, but not eating would give me a sense of control. I haven’t ever admitted this to anyone, including myself, before.
I never put much thought into my eating, or lack thereof, until my therapist asked about my eating habits. I told her about how I just don’t feel hungry, and forget to eat until I do. I found it interesting that she referred to my eating habits as “disordered eating”, which is a component of PTSD. I hadn’t heard of that before, and it made me wonder if I did have an eating disorder that turned into disordered eating, or maybe it’s a bit of both.
I’m never happy with my body. It upsets me when people say I’m too skinny, but then I also get disgusted with myself when I gain weight. It isn’t at the forefront of my mind that often, so I brush it off. Perhaps this is something I need to look into further and fix somehow.