PTSD, Suicide awareness and prevention

Guided Meditation…

Yesterday my therapy appointment was a bit of a shit show. I spent most of the 45 minute time slot filling out paperwork so they can update their new system. 

When I finally got to sit down and talk to my therapist,  she asked how I was feeling. “So so.” She then asked if I was having thoughts of harming myself. The thoughts are always there. I said yes, but they weren’t strong enough to make me act on them. I told her the biggest problem at the forefront of my mind is my marriage, and how I’m struggling with insecurity and trust.

“What would your husband have to do for you to trust him again?”

I didn’t know how to answer this. I said he’d have to be consistently open, honest,  and respectful. How long it would take before I could feel safe and trust him is beyond me, though. 

“What happened after all of the rough patches that made you feel safe and secure?”

I told him about what his dad did to me,  and I don’t know what clicked in his mind,  but he started being the husband I needed all along. I told her about the time he threw my initial trauma in my face and blamed me for it.

“So he wasn’t loving and supportive of you when you told him about your first trauma,  but when you told him about what his dad did to you,  he was?”

Yes. 

We were almost out of time, and she told me to look up guided meditation on YouTube and practice it. 

I left the session feeling worse because her questions only added to my questions,  and the only answer was a fucking YouTube video. 

 I feel like therapy is pointless, but then again I’m feeling like everything I do is pointless. I need to swim back to the surface and find meaning in my life again. 

Has anyone tried guided meditation? If so, did you find it helpful? 

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Trapped

From the cradle to the grave,

All I’ve known is pain.

Happiness always coming with a price,

Every smiling face with a hidden dagger.

So many walls up,

that now they’re caving in.

Living in this claustrophobic hell,

Trapped in my own mind.

Existing without ever living,

Loving without ever feeling

love’s safe embrace.

Damaged beyond repair,

Hopeless with no one to care.

Everyone for themselves,

I am a dying breed of human.

Compassion is killing me,

Love is a dagger in my own heart.

Every breath, I breathe for others.

I’m lost in the abyss. 

Trapped in the loneliness.

Angry and torn,

Cursing the day I was born.

I’m trapped. 

Trapped. 

Walls still closing in, 

Squeezing just enough life

to keep me lingering.

Praying for the day to come,

where I can be set free.