PTSD, Suicide awareness and prevention

Guided Meditation…

Yesterday my therapy appointment was a bit of a shit show. I spent most of the 45 minute time slot filling out paperwork so they can update their new system. 

When I finally got to sit down and talk to my therapist,  she asked how I was feeling. “So so.” She then asked if I was having thoughts of harming myself. The thoughts are always there. I said yes, but they weren’t strong enough to make me act on them. I told her the biggest problem at the forefront of my mind is my marriage, and how I’m struggling with insecurity and trust.

“What would your husband have to do for you to trust him again?”

I didn’t know how to answer this. I said he’d have to be consistently open, honest,  and respectful. How long it would take before I could feel safe and trust him is beyond me, though. 

“What happened after all of the rough patches that made you feel safe and secure?”

I told him about what his dad did to me,  and I don’t know what clicked in his mind,  but he started being the husband I needed all along. I told her about the time he threw my initial trauma in my face and blamed me for it.

“So he wasn’t loving and supportive of you when you told him about your first trauma,  but when you told him about what his dad did to you,  he was?”

Yes. 

We were almost out of time, and she told me to look up guided meditation on YouTube and practice it. 

I left the session feeling worse because her questions only added to my questions,  and the only answer was a fucking YouTube video. 

 I feel like therapy is pointless, but then again I’m feeling like everything I do is pointless. I need to swim back to the surface and find meaning in my life again. 

Has anyone tried guided meditation? If so, did you find it helpful? 

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PTSD

The Purge

I remember everything. My husband was blessed with a poor memory, so he doesn’t recall a lot of the damage, but I remember everything. We are working on rebuilding our marriage, but I feel that in order for that to happen, I need to get some things off of my chest and out of my mind. 

When we would go to take the trips to visit his family, I was the one who would do all the packing and ensure everything was ready to go. One of the times he was griping at me for not having everything done, and (this was before he knew about what his dad did to me) I came to a breaking point. I told him that it wasn’t worth it-going through all of that and listening to him bitch-and that I wouldn’t be going with him next time. He said something about what his family says about me, and I said “Fuck your family! All they ever do is talk behind my back!” He flicked me really hard on the side of the head, and then started yelling at me when I began to cry.

On the way back from one of the trips, we stopped at a hotel for the night. The kids and I weren’t moving fast enough for him, and he was bitching. Our daughter threw up in the backseat as we were loading things up and getting ready to go. He slapped me in the back of the head as I was cleaning up her vomit. I didn’t cry, but I was angry, and I began to emotionally detach from him.

Shortly after we returned, he started looking through my Facebook. He saw that I complimented a transgender woman on her makeup, and got mad at me for referring to her as a her. He started accusing me of wanting a gay man and looking for other things that he could accuse me of. When there was nothing else, he started talking about my initial trauma and not only minimized it, but started blaming me for it. 

Who was this monster ranting and raving before me? I didn’t recognize him. When the conversation went back to the transgender woman, I referred to her as a  her again, and this time he slapped me in the back of the neck. 

I screamed because I was already having neck pain, and then I fell to the floor and sat balled up with my arms around my legs. This is the position I get into when my anxiety attacks begin. I was sobbing uncontrollably and he was still yelling and trying to justify his actions and words. I kept begging him to stop and to just go away. 

I remained detached from him for a long time after that. I began looking into divorce lawyers and apartments. I didn’t want to be with him anymore. 

Then, a while later, I told him about what his dad did to me. We grew closer,  and I thought for sure we’d be okay. That is until he told me about his infidelity which happened during the time he was treating me like dogshit. 

Now,  he doesn’t want to be the person he was. Now, I’m supposed to try to forget it all and take him at his word that he won’t hurt me anymore. I feel like the stupid woman I vowed I’d never be. I’m afraid to make him mad. I’m afraid I’m not measuring up. I wonder if he’s afraid at all. 

Maybe the fact I’ve stuck around through it all will make him think that I will stick around after he has one more episode because “it hasn’t happened in a long time.” I want to believe him. I want to give him a fair chance, but I have so much hurt and my heart is too guarded to let him in completely. 

Maybe this purge will help to get it out of my mind. One can only hope. 

PTSD

I had the best mother in law.

For a while you were the mother I didn’t have. You introduced me to Christ, and taught me new recipes. You supported and prayed for me, and we shared tears and laughter. You understood how I felt when your son would upset me. You would apologetically tell me he’s “just like his daddy”.

In fact, the first piece of advice you gave me was to train him to not be like his father. I didn’t even know you for a week then, so I didn’t know what you meant, but now I do.

You’re still my mother in law because I’m still married to your son, but you aren’t the woman I remember…or maybe you are. 

I remember you standing up to your husband when he was being his narcissistic and abusive self. Maybe that was because you found strength to do so with me being there. I’ve seen firsthand how he plays the victim when people call him out on his shit. 

I thought you would believe and support me, now that I’ve come out about him assaulting me in my sleep. You came in the room when you heard me yell out “what the fuck?!”, when I woke up. Perhaps you are too afraid to speak out against him because you know how he tries to turn people against all who do. 

Whether you’re in denial or just afraid because you have to live with him, you aren’t the mother in law I remember. When you were, you were the best one anyone could ask for. 

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How do we know when we’re enough?

We know when we’ve eaten enough because our bodies have a way of letting us know. What about the immeasurable aspects of life? How do we know when we’re loving enough, kind enough, or strong enough? What is the determining factor? Who gets the ultimate say-so in letting us know that we’re measuring up to immeasurable qualities and assets? 

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m not enough. I’m swamped with big projects and homework, the housework never ends, the kids constantly need something, and then there’s my marriage. I’m overwhelmed with hurt and memories, and it feels like somewhere in that whirlwind of life, there’s just me.

I’ve always been set on being a strong role model for my children. I grew up watching my mom struggle with an eating disorder, and recall looking at myself when she’d say how many pounds she thought she needed to lose. 

If she’s fat, I must be too.

As my feelings and thoughts try to process after finding out about my husband stepping out of the boundaries of our marriage, I find myself feeling increasingly weak, stupid, and insecure. The irrationality of my mindset is growing with all of that. 

If I was this, he wouldn’t want to do that.  

 I broke down in tears to him when I was talking about going to a NASCAR race-something we used to enjoy together. Now they are sponsored by Monster Energy, and the Monster Energy girls are showing off their perfect bodies. I started crying when I told him I’m all fucked up and insecure now. 

He tried rationalizing my thinking by reassuring me that there was nothing I could have done or changed. It had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with him being stupid. 

I know this. Strangely, knowing doesn’t help my feelings. I find myself questioning everything, and at the root of it all is fear. I don’t want to get hurt again, and being the proactive and hypervigilant person I am, I guess I’m trying to find ways within my control to prevent myself from getting hurt. 

That in itself is irrational, because I can’t control what other people do. If I get a Kylie Jenner surgical overhaul and still get cheated on, then what? When will I be enough? 

It pains me even more to feel this way, because I don’t want my daughters to ever question their worth, much less at the expense of the stupidity of their significant other. I feel like such a hypocrite. 

I feel like I’ll never be enough.

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Do I hate my husband?

We’ve been through a roller coaster, as is the case with most relationships. In the beginning, we had our issues. I was insecure, and he didn’t know how to love. We fought-a lot-and were both at fault at different times. We’ve endured and overcome more than I’d like to share.

As time progressed, I overcame my insecurities, and tried to be the best mom and wife I could be. Yet, no matter what, there was always a distance between us, and I was always falling short somehow. Instead of fighting, I was just being hurt. 

This continued for longer than I’d like to admit, but then came the day where the unthinkable happened. I opened up (more like had a nervous breakdown) and told him what his dad did to me when he was deployed. 

I don’t know if he felt bad for treating me so terribly throughout those years while I carried that burden, or what, but he became the husband I saw when we said “I do.” 

He became supportive and started helping me with the kids. He defended me to his family, and for the first time in my life, I felt free. I felt safe and unguarded with him. I was finally married to my best friend. Everything was perfect-until Christmas.

He decided that this fresh start shouldn’t begin on a lie, and decided to come clean about an affair that he didn’t consider to be an affair by only giving the details that he felt were relevant. 

She was a coworker. He didn’t think he cheated on me, but she told him how good looking he was, and then sent him a dirty picture, and he sent one back. The “irrelevant” details I had to pry out of him were that he created a secret email account so they could communicate regularly. He didn’t cheat on me because he didn’t have sex with her. He didn’t cheat on me, because neither of them had any intentions of it going further than flirting. 

Yes, because last time I pulled my head out of my ass, people exchange  nudes with perfectly innocent intentions. 

While he was treating me like shit at home, he was flirting with someone else. I wish he would have told me then and spared me.

I was in the bathroom getting ready when he broke this to me…through text message. We were in different states. I remember feeling like I didn’t know if I was going to pass out or throw up. I was crying so hard. The rug of bliss had been pulled out from under me. 

He called. I wanted her name. I wanted to knock their stupid heads together. At first he said he didn’t remember her name, but then I reminded him that he wasn’t married to a bloody idiot. I messaged her. 

She said that she only continued with the flirting when he told her I knew about it. Even now, this makes me simultaneously laugh and boil. 

NO SANE MARRIED PERSON WOULD EVER BE OKAY WITH THAT, EVER. 

So now, I’m trying to work through and process all of this on top of everything else. I’m still angry. The infidelity happened years ago, but I just found out this last Christmas. It is a raw wound that keeps reopening when I’m reminded of how wonderful I thought we were before I found out. 

I don’t trust him. Time will tell, but I don’t want us to waste anymore than we already have. I am so angry and hurt that sometimes it feels like I hate him. I don’t want to hate him. 

I’m just so sick of people hurting me and having the pain minimized. 

“Are we really doing this now?”

“It happened a long time ago.”

“I’m not defending my actions, but it could have been worse…”

I just want to set the world on fire when I hear that shit! 

I want to move forward, and give him a chance without harboring these feelings. I can’t help but wonder if I’m too far gone. 

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Trapped

From the cradle to the grave,

All I’ve known is pain.

Happiness always coming with a price,

Every smiling face with a hidden dagger.

So many walls up,

that now they’re caving in.

Living in this claustrophobic hell,

Trapped in my own mind.

Existing without ever living,

Loving without ever feeling

love’s safe embrace.

Damaged beyond repair,

Hopeless with no one to care.

Everyone for themselves,

I am a dying breed of human.

Compassion is killing me,

Love is a dagger in my own heart.

Every breath, I breathe for others.

I’m lost in the abyss. 

Trapped in the loneliness.

Angry and torn,

Cursing the day I was born.

I’m trapped. 

Trapped. 

Walls still closing in, 

Squeezing just enough life

to keep me lingering.

Praying for the day to come,

where I can be set free.

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First Day Jitters

Today is my first day of therapy. I drove 30 minutes with the music turned all the way up to drown out my thoughts. I was having a good day, and then my husband came home “joking” about shooting our puppy for making a mess. I told him it wasn’t funny, and he kept saying that he was only joking. 

I said that jokes are supposed to be funny, not painful. He said that it’s funny to him, and I told him that I guess that’s all that matters then. I was then told to just stop.

My therapy appointment went well. I told her a little bit about everything that’s weighing on me, and she gave me a chapter to read on coping with distress. She asked me if I have a “safety plan” for when I get to the dark place again. I told her I will go straight to the emergency room.

She wants the hospital to be my last resort, but with a lack of a safety net, it’s my only resort. The hardest part about discussing my painful experiences goes beyond their trauma. It’s a reminder of the fact that nobody was held accountable for their actions, as well as how alone I truly am. 

Sure, I have a husband and kids, but  I am still alone in my battles. Maybe learning new coping strategies will finally help heal the wounds and allow me to truly move forward in life. 

Only time will tell.