depression, family, relationship, Uncategorized

Can’t decide which is worse…

1) Catching your husband check someone out, and him lie about it.
2) Catching your husband check someone out, and when you make a comment about that someone, he pretends to be oblivious about whom you’re referring.
Either way, it’s rude and insulting to a person’s intelligence and self esteem. How about if someone is nice enough to give your shady ass another chance, you don’t try to fuck that up and keep your eyes on who you don’t want to lose!

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Do I hate my husband?

We’ve been through a roller coaster, as is the case with most relationships. In the beginning, we had our issues. I was insecure, and he didn’t know how to love. We fought-a lot-and were both at fault at different times. We’ve endured and overcome more than I’d like to share.

As time progressed, I overcame my insecurities, and tried to be the best mom and wife I could be. Yet, no matter what, there was always a distance between us, and I was always falling short somehow. Instead of fighting, I was just being hurt. 

This continued for longer than I’d like to admit, but then came the day where the unthinkable happened. I opened up (more like had a nervous breakdown) and told him what his dad did to me when he was deployed. 

I don’t know if he felt bad for treating me so terribly throughout those years while I carried that burden, or what, but he became the husband I saw when we said “I do.” 

He became supportive and started helping me with the kids. He defended me to his family, and for the first time in my life, I felt free. I felt safe and unguarded with him. I was finally married to my best friend. Everything was perfect-until Christmas.

He decided that this fresh start shouldn’t begin on a lie, and decided to come clean about an affair that he didn’t consider to be an affair by only giving the details that he felt were relevant. 

She was a coworker. He didn’t think he cheated on me, but she told him how good looking he was, and then sent him a dirty picture, and he sent one back. The “irrelevant” details I had to pry out of him were that he created a secret email account so they could communicate regularly. He didn’t cheat on me because he didn’t have sex with her. He didn’t cheat on me, because neither of them had any intentions of it going further than flirting. 

Yes, because last time I pulled my head out of my ass, people exchange  nudes with perfectly innocent intentions. 

While he was treating me like shit at home, he was flirting with someone else. I wish he would have told me then and spared me.

I was in the bathroom getting ready when he broke this to me…through text message. We were in different states. I remember feeling like I didn’t know if I was going to pass out or throw up. I was crying so hard. The rug of bliss had been pulled out from under me. 

He called. I wanted her name. I wanted to knock their stupid heads together. At first he said he didn’t remember her name, but then I reminded him that he wasn’t married to a bloody idiot. I messaged her. 

She said that she only continued with the flirting when he told her I knew about it. Even now, this makes me simultaneously laugh and boil. 


So now, I’m trying to work through and process all of this on top of everything else. I’m still angry. The infidelity happened years ago, but I just found out this last Christmas. It is a raw wound that keeps reopening when I’m reminded of how wonderful I thought we were before I found out. 

I don’t trust him. Time will tell, but I don’t want us to waste anymore than we already have. I am so angry and hurt that sometimes it feels like I hate him. I don’t want to hate him. 

I’m just so sick of people hurting me and having the pain minimized. 

“Are we really doing this now?”

“It happened a long time ago.”

“I’m not defending my actions, but it could have been worse…”

I just want to set the world on fire when I hear that shit! 

I want to move forward, and give him a chance without harboring these feelings. I can’t help but wonder if I’m too far gone.